The UnRadio Times - Christmas Edition

Christmas TV Listings!

PHILOSOPHICAL QUOTE OF THE DAY!

Sir Robbie Coltrane said

"Remember a repeat is not a repeat if you haven't seen it already!"

CHRISTMAS DAY

ITV

6.00am Christmas Morning Live
Families around the UK get up early, unwrap their new games consoles and are on them before their chocolate based breakfasts can be made.

7.30. FILM; Lego World Takeover (2006)
A product placement feature length animation, as the colourful blocks prepare to take over the world, most parents are willing to let them as it would save them having to pay for Lego for their children, but one TV celebrity is prepared to stop them, the Supernanny Jo Frost.

9.25. Jeremy Kyle presents the Nafftivity On Ice
A woman from Somerset who claimed asylum whilst pregnant with her child defends against the acerbic talk show host and his judgemental audience, all whilst on ice.

10.30. This Christmas Morning
Presenters Philip Schofield & Holly Willoughby give imaginary christmas cards to each one of their viewers. They then take on the challenge of singing christmas carols in the car park outside the studio without microphones or backing tracks.


12.30pm National Christmas Cards, Carols, N ews & Weather.
With Christmas Day usually being in the absence of news stories of significance, instead TVC1's news presenters exchange cards and serenade each other with carols. They are prepared to drop the festivities should a story of note unfold.

1.00 Eminem presents Chrstmas Carols from the Projects
Multi Emmy award winning rapper Eminem presents a selection of traditional Christmas Carols which he insists he has only changed “slightly”.

2.00 Down Wi Da Kidz
Mark Radcliffe & Stuart Maconie present a guide to the big chart songs of the past year, complete with a sardonic guide explaining why they are enjoying popularity with younger age brackets.

3.00 The Queen Live
The current head of The Royal Family tells the millions of watching plebs the best way they can be aware of their place in the coming new year ahead in an annual speech that is this time being delivered by the Queen live from her palatial bathroom.

3.10: FILM PREMIERE: Trains (2010)
In the sparkling family CGI animation from Pixar, a train finds itself having to be saved from scrap by a benefactor after it's peculiar personality causes it to be always late and of annoyance to the passengers of the national rail network.

One of the handsome train characters from Pixar's animation spectacular!

4.30 Principally Prancin' About
The remaining celebrities take to the central stage for one last big prance about. Viewers at home will choose the pranciest.

5.10 Film Preview: Pixar's Wipers
Leading figures from the world of film discuss Pixar's next big animation project, a film which will depict characters based on windscreen wipers and present them in a sympathetic view.

A pair of cute, lovable windscreen wipers are the unlikely stars of Pixar's next blockbuster film animation "Wipers", set to debut on ITV in time for next Christmas!
The popularity of the film has been causing a problem for car owners nationwide as children have been snapping off random windscreen wipers because it's cheaper than buying the official merchandise from the film!

6.30: FILM: Mr Grey Does His Taxes (1998)
A painstaking adventure based on characters who have been fused out of clay and then animated. It is New Year's Eve and Mr Grey has until just midnight to complete his taxes for the year, or Inland Revenue will spoil the party he has planned.
Creator Dick Bark is said to have made a bet in his local pub that he could base an animated series on almost anything, he is alleged to have remarked “if it is made of clay and looks cute the audience will watch almost anything”.

7.45 Prime Time Audience Challenge
The programme controller of TVC1 has challenged the audience to come up with a programme.

8.15 Cliffhanger Avenue
A middle class soap opera set in a fictional town which is self important and deeply smug.
The residents of the leafy suburb all compete to become the owners of the best new cars for the festive season, Mr Thomson is concerned he might lose when he receives a new Mini.

9.00 The Peasants Can't Revolt
In the brand new episode of the lush period drama which tells the story of the relationship between a fuedal landowner lord and his serfs. The peasants asks for a single extra square yard of land only to be rebutted with a pitchfork aimed at their direction, as a result Sam is not able to keep up with the demands of nurturing the quantities of crops that his lordly master desires of him.
The creator told the Unradio Times that although this episode is set on Christmas Day, nothing is noticeably different for the characters and so this is the least festively themed christmas special of the day.

10.00 NEW SERIES: Keeping Up With The Bridget Jones's
A new sitcom based on the popular trilogy of films which centre around the struggles of a single 30 something woman who struggles to get a romantic relationship. Bridget logs into a new dating site, but doesn't realise that she has specified that she is a transsexual, that is until the front doorbell rings.

10.30 The Fantastic Advert Awards
The adverts of the past year which have been voted the most “fantastic” by viewers are played in their entirety and then discussed by a panel of celebrity experts. With Bill Nighy & Trevor McDonald.


11.30 FILM: It's a Not So Wonderful Life (2011)
A newly dominant chief mafioso decides to track down his old school bullies and take revenge.

2.00am-2.15 NEW SERIES: The Sky At Night from Beyond.
The late Sir Patrick Moore begins a new series directly from the afterlife. The new series still entitled “The Sky At Night” is expected to hit record viewing figures despite its placement in the early hours of the TV schedule.



BBC TWO


8.10am FILM: Fred Astaire & the Magical Postbox (1931)


The vintage gymnastic dancer Fred Astaire cannot attempt to deliver a christmas card he is posting to his local mailbox without breaking up into an amazing dance along the sidewalk on his way there, it's a good job that Pathe were there to film him!

10.20am Inside Live
Cameras are invited into Strangeways Prison to chronicle how its inmates spend their Christmas morning.

11.45am Christmaswatch Live

Sir David Attenborough and Bill Oddie take a look at christmas only plant species in the UK. A plant with the latin name Decemberus Christmassus only flowers on December the 25th and promptly dies at Midnight. On a leap year the species is known to spontaneously combust.

12.45pm The National Trust At Christmas

A tour around some of the nations most prominent and treasured properties and gardens, whilst the public is unable to access them on Christmas Day.

1.00 Grandstand with Gary Lineker
1.05 Present Unwrapping Championships
64 families around the UK compete with each other to unwrap their presents as fast as they can, the winner will receive an Xbox One but no games.
1.30 Christmas Chess
A chess game will be played very slowly by the nations two wisest men, both of whom have appeared on and beat University Challenge numerous times.

2.00 Jason Derulo 's Sewing Bee
Highlights from a local sewing bee organised by R&B megastar Jason Derulo held in the summer in the small Cheshire town of Nantwich.

3.00 The Queen on Tap
Lighting footed tapdancers present a dance based on the Queen's emerging words in her annual speech live as it happens.

3.10 FILM: A Daughter Who Should Enjoy Marriage
Colin Firth stars as the 19th Century owner of a stately home in Berkshire who wants to get his daughter married off to an eligible bachelor as soon as he can.


4.45 Neighbours Who Even Mother Theresa Would Hate Christmas Special
A Christmas lights enthusiast who lives next door to an unfortunate astronomy fanatic is taken to court in a bid to reduce the light pollution he is causing.

Quiet Street in Reading certainly is a "rubbish" place to live, the pun is no doubt intended. Even Mother Theresa would not be able to put up with some of the characters who call this street home.

5.30 - Mozart;s Great Christmas Rush
If music afficionado Mozart had had the money and inclination to go christmas shopping in 18th Century Austria what presents might he have bought?

6.30 History - When Things Used To Happen
A look at how Jesus Christ might have celebrated his birthdays/.And which civilisation was responsibily for drawing the first Christmas card, an example of which was found etched on to the side of a pyramid in ancient Egypt. With Simon Schama & Brian Cox.

7.00 Britain's Great Shed Revival
Jeremy Clarkson explores the history of the humble old garden shed and explores its origina and asks Adam Hart Davis who might have come up with the ide back in history.

8.00 Lewis Carroll - Lolita in Wonderland
Experts discuss whether the celebrated author Lewis Carroll had a sexual interest in girls and speculate over whether he might have fantasised about the content in his own stories. Followed by Weather.

9.00 Opera Sophistimcnee
Andre Rieu presents music to accompany the opera which critics have hailed to be the most sophisticated work of all time.

10.00 Letters To Santa
Former postal workers discuss the ridiculous content in real letters to Santa they have intercepted, including a girl from Reading who wanted horse stables to be installed in her bedroom and a boy from Hemel Hempstead who wanted a Playstation 4 games console a year before it was actually released.

11.00 What Will The Weather Be Like?
A preview of the weather events that will happen in the coming new year ahead.

12Midnight Jeremy Clarkson's Bottom Gear
Jeremy Clarkson finds out which African country is the poorest and solves all its problems instantly by donating a 1/10th of this annual broadcast fees.


2.00am-6.00am God Save The Queen
Four non stop hours of the British National Anthem 

BBC ONE

6.00am News
Huw Edwards looks through all the biggest breaking news stories of the year, with your votes which news stories shocked you the most.

9.25 Christmas Carols from Sellafield
Julia Bradbury presents a program of live festive music by the Sellafield Nuclear Experts Male Voice Choir from beside the nuclear power plants giant reactors.
Did you know: If anyone in the choir happens to hit an F in the 5th octave it could potentiallly rupture a control turbine, thereby causing a nuclear incident.

11.00 Film: The Ice Boy (2008)
Charming animation about a boy completely made of ice who usually sadly expires completlely by Febrpmuary

12.35pm Wallace & Gromit's Great Nursing Home Escape
Wallace has been placed into a nursing home following an incident in which he spilled pasta all over himself and left the gas on, although Social Services don't believe he is able to look after himself, his loyal dog Gromit has other ideas and must help him escape from the confines of his hoyless room at the sterile nursing home.

2.00 Top Of The Shops - Watchdog Christmas Special.
Which supermarket has emerged top of the christmas sales this year, Anne Robinson is forced to investigate under pain of no longer being able to work for the BBC in any capacity,.

4.30 My Spoiled Family
A fly on the wall documentary about a family of self confessed hoarders who buy so many presents for their children for Chrostmas they can't physically get into the living room.

5.00 Take That to Pastures New
Gary Barlow talks about his new boxing and cagefighting academy which he has given the same name as his former band, Take That!
5.30 Christmas News, Weather & Pollen Report
As temperatures rise across the country, the festive weather is now almost indistinguishable from many days in summer, Fiona Philips gives a pollen report.

6.15 2 Kids,a Baby & a mortgage
Festive special of the new family sitcom. A special serious episode of the comedy.The family is to have a new arrival just in time for Christmas as stewart agonises over which games console to buy, the PS4 or the xbox one as his wife is admitted to a cancer specialist ward.

6.45 Who Wants To be a bit richer than they are now
Special festive edition of the game show that offers only mediocre prizes such as paperweights and cruet sets alongside the once in a lifetime chance of winning £1'000'000 only in the form of antiques.

7.45 Beastenders - Ian vs Phil
Long time arch enemies Ian Beale & Phil Mitchell fight it out for a final showdown to decode who is fit to be king of Albert Square.
Formerly shown on Sky Sports Box Office


12.15 FILM: 

How do you know when you're unemployed?

How do you know when you're unemployed. Here's a handy guide!

Have you ever woken up in the morning and had nowhere to go, nothing to do and no money to do it and have come to the realisation that you must be "unemployed"

You know you're unemployed when.. You wake up to The Wright Stuff or The Jeremy Kyle Show instead of your alarm clock.


You know you're unemployed when.. You are always there to greet the postman at the front door and take the letters out of his hand, he must have twigged that you're unemployed by now. In fact you're so familar with him that you're on first name terms and you even know his star sign. And a lot of the letters he brings you have a funky red colour scheme.

You Know You're Unemployed When.. The Afternoon becomes the new morning


You know you're unemployed when.. You keep getting funny letters in brown envelopes from this funny organisation that likes to call itself the DWP.


You know you're unemployed when.. People keep asking you what you've been doing to look for work and threatening to take your money off you when you tell them you can't be bothered.


You know you're unemployed when.. You easily build up a post count of at least several thousand on a series of online forums. You become a Digital Spy legend that's done more posts than the postman has done since starting his career.


You know you're unemployed when.. You don't need to Sky+ your favourite daytime shows anymore as you can watch them live.


You know you're unemployed when.. You've forgotten which day it is (again)


You know you're unemployed when.. You're worried that Theresa May is in power and she might make you sweep the streets for your benefit.



You know you're unemployed when.. You can't go abroad for more than 2 weeks anymore because the Job Centre will wonder where you are and might go all broody and "miss" you.


You know you're unemployed when.. Your boss has said to you that "you're fired" and you've lost your tribunal claiming unfair dismissal


You know you're unemployed when.. Philip Schofield is the presenter you most see on TV, him and Jeremy Kyle, and even if you sleep in you can always catch him in the afternoon on ITV2


You know you're unemployed when.. In December you notice you stay up nearly until it gets light and get up when it's getting dark


You know you're unemployed when.. You can't relate to most weekday radio because you're not getting through your workday.


You know you're unemployed when.. When you come to the realisation that finding the lost city of Atlantis would be significantly easier than finding another job.


You know you're unemployed when.. During the daytime browsing Facebook has become both a default and compelling action.


You know you're unemployed when.. You combine lunch with breakfast, but you're not doing brunch.


You know you're unemployed when.. You forget that it's even the weekend and you're no longer depressed on Sunday nights.


You know you're unemployed when.. When you are always there to cheer on whoever is the latest Deal Or No Deal contestant and spend the time watching the programme fantasising about what you'd do with the money if only you could get on the show.


You know you're unemployed when.. You used to write stories for The News Of The World


You know you're unemployed when.. You've just lost your job!


You know you're unemployed when.. TV cameras arrive on your doorstep followed shortly afterwards by Channel 4's Hayley Taylor who gives you a stern talking down to about how gormless she thinks you are.


You know you're unemployed when.. A4E, ATOS & Maximus become your mortal enemies.

You know you're unemployed when..  You do find a job but don't get paid for it because it's "voluntary" apparently, but it might "lead" to something apparently such as continuing to have absolutely no spending power.

US variation

When Good Morning America might as well be Good Night America

When you don't need a DVR anymore because you've watched all your favourite shows.

When you start to become familiar with soap characters and storylines

When you call into McDonalds so much that they've actually reserved you a seat.

When everyday feels like Groundhog Day, only you haven't got as much money as Bill Murray.