THIS IS NOT JUNK MAIL! - THIS IS NOT JUNK MAIL! - THIS IS NOT JUNK MAIL!
“Strong” and “Stable” those are words you are going to be hearing a lot from me, Theresa May and I’ll tell you why..
Firstly thank you very much for reading this promotional election material that has been shoved through your front door, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for not simply putting it in the nearest recycling bin or shredding it for inside a fire, I would like to remind you that if you discard this election promotional material by any other method a fine of no less than £1000 may be payable by you but I digress.
Some of the contents of this manifesto may be slightly different from what was first proposed by the Conservative government due to my laptop which I left on the back seat of a Rolls Royce logged on to a nearby unsecure open wi-fi network becoming infected with the “Wannacry” encryption virus, therefore I have had no choice but to rewrite it all from the top of my head as the manifesto had to be released the following day. I still run “Windows XP” and for that I apologise, the NHS may have something in its stocking this Christmas, 1’000’000 Windows 10 licenses and a smacked hand for any nurse opening some attachment she hasn’t even scanned with anti virus software to be more specific.
Yours
Theresa May.
The NHS crashed.
-1. The So Called Labour Leader
Jeremy Corbyn may have told you we are called “The Tories” we are not, we are called the Conservatives, in fact “Theresa May’s Conservatives” to be more exact and before you dismiss us and our policies we are happy to point out to you why our policies are not dangerous and chaotic like Corbyn’s, his manifesto was probably written on a cheap notepad from Spar on a late night drinking session in Cuba with Fidel Castro before he thankfully died. I wrote my manifesto on a registered version of Microsoft Office whilst sitting in a leather chair.Jeremy Corbyn would take a wrecking ball to the NHS, he cannot possibly fund it, he is unwilling to go to war, but as everybody who could call themselves “sensible, strong and stable” like me and my conservative party knows , war is the only way you can fund an economy. Our weapons are sold to Saudi Arabia and in exchange we are given access to their vast oil reserves which means that it doesn’t cost a fiver just to drive off from the petrol station forecourt, you can’t call yourself a “pacifist” and also a “driver”, such deals with questionable regimes are necessary just so you can get to Sainsburys. You only have public services by not paying anything into them, as private companies and the gig economy is the only way to generate profit, and without profit, there is no money, and without money there are no public services, there is no NHS, and so by not funding the NHS you have just paid for the NHS to exist through private companies, tax breaks leading to profit, if you get all that, put me in power!
Saudi Arabia! More oil than you can shake a stick at! and yet we are supposedly not allowed to deal with them?
0. Election.
An election has been called for you to vote conservative and support your country. But if you have any questions about how we will run the country we have produced a manifesto but you don't need to worry as we are more than capable of running the country without consulting the people who live ordinary lives we do the politics. But to see what would happen if you were to put Jeremy Corbyn in watch an episode of the Walking Dead. But you're not going you be that daft are you?
May is strong and stable. She is strono enough to sell the stable with the horse still in it, the NHS, education, Trident & welfare. They're all just buzzwords.
1. The "Benefits" of Tory government!
So called "benefits" will be made much simpler to claim. If we award you nothing you'll be able to claim that. Benefits will be only be paid to people in work who earn money anyway. If you can’t or won’t work we will reform the benefit system so that you only get paid your benefits if you start work, your benefit payments will be deducted by your wages.
The only people who like benefits are those that are on them! And they are costing YOU money, see further down the manifesto for more on our plans to sort out the welfare system!
2. Immigration.
What's that? After a hard Brexit everybody from the euro zone who so much as drops into dover for a day trip will have to have a 1 Hour interview with customs before getting off the ferry. I will put up a big sign in Dover much like in the windows of B&B’s and hotels when all the rooms are full, “Britain’s full, try France! My immigration policy is basically Calais, because that’s where everybody I have shut the door to is!
3. Climate change.
If the climate can change one way it
can go the other way. Climates change all the time, how else could it have been
sunny yesterday and rainy today, and so what if it gets a bit warmer, Brits are
always complaining about the weather and now that there is a chance for things
to get a bit warmer they want us to stop polluting and making the weather a bit
milder! But if it’s that much of a problem we’ll reverse global warming by
either seeding the clouds or denying that it exists. The climate can’t decide
if it’s going to be this, or that! It’s always changing, and we think we can
control it! Has noone noticed how often it rains in Britain why are pensioners
moaning about not being able to afford their heating. As they always vote
Conservative we’ll have to leave their winter fuel payments alone, oh well c’est
la vie, c’est la vie.
4. Trident
TRIDENT – TIT FOR TAT! AND WE MEAN IT!
Don’t mess with us and we won’t sink your country into the sea. Trident, the best
Tit for tat system ever!
Nobody is safe in this world unless you can threaten to end the lives of millions!
We'll extend trident by offering to buy other countries nuclear weapons as well and threatening to use our existing ones against them if they won't sell. That should take care of North Korea. 5. Energy
We'll support all kinds of renewable sources of energy including fossil fuels such as oil, coal and gas. One common misconception is that fossil fuels are inherently bad choices to meet our energy needs but what is not often pointed out is that Fossil fuels for example are completely renewable sources of energy until they run out, they will run out eventually but it is a very long time away so until then there is no compelling argument except about pollution or something to stop using them until then! Oil for example is only set to run out in 2050 or something anyway so why worry now. We can stick a few windmills up then and cover the countryside in glass like Germany for your solar panels, but why pander to the Green brigade now?
Do you worry your gas boiler will explode one day, it can happen, it is extremely rare when it does it, and you would be very unfortunate. I have just described Sellafield, nuclear plants are very safe unless they explode or leak radiation, but as that is hardly likely to happen unless as a result of terrorism or human error we should continue to make use of nuclear fuels and will continue to do so, nuclear waste is an issue which is why we don’t just leave it in bins, under the Conservatives “out of sight, out of mind” policy, pesky nuclear waste will be put in a very big hole in the ground, only archaeologists from the very far future could possibly become irradiated from it.
We’re DOING this fracking thing by the way, see more information below!
6. The NHS.. & other Privatisations
Will remain free at the point of use for the likes of Virgin who we'll hand as many contracts as possible to, in one hospital Virgin even run the ambulances. Paramedics rent their ambulances from Virgin Health Response Solutions, Virgin also rent out a range of defibrillators and resusciration equipment should individually privatised ambulances choose to use them. Being with Virgin provides many benefits one example being that its first class train travellers will get priority on waiting lists. As we approve cross platform promotional activity between Virgin trains and Virgin healthcare. The NHS will fundamentally work on a model of preventative care first and foremost. If you don't get ill you won't have to wait for any operations. And one more thing.. Virgin.
The Royal Mail
You asked us and we have devolved responsibility of Britain’s most prestigious public service to a private company. Your private mail is m eant to be just that, private! At least it is all in the hands of a private company and no longer the government, I Theresa May may have put forward a so called snoopers charter so I can have a look at Jihadi John’s Facebook account but thanks to the “efficiency savings” of the privatisation of Royal Mail, I can no longer thumb through anybody’s private post at will. Think of that the next time you complain about privatisation of public services!
7. Environment.
New Gas, at amazing new prices!
We ask you, will you still believe that “global warming” is an issue when you have to sit in your freezing cold house unable to afford to your gas energy costs? A new conservative administration to the rescue! We will probe deep into Britain’s remaining countryside for a new miraculous form of energy that will transform everything called “shale gas”. With the use of this energy gas prices across the UK will start to come down, especially as some of your new gas supply will start to come out of your water taps, for free!*, you don’t need a stronger reason to put a tick next to The Conservatives in the ballot box.
Global Warming is mainly a myth propagated by accredited and respected scientists, The Green Party & David Attenborough.
*in selected areas of shale gas extraction experimentation, The government doesn’t rule out the possibility that meters for gas may be fitted to your taps later if you are getting a gas supply as shale run off in your water supply for free, but enjoy for now!
8. Transport.
More and more roads and bridges which you will have to make sure you have spare change for. Drivers have more money than others if they can drive so why is a toll a big deal. Buses are cars for people who haven't passed their test. To use public transport get into your car as you will then be able to use public roads in your "public" transport. For more efficient “public” transport in the form of new motorways and by-passes, some peoples gardens may have to be cancelled, and some small countryside villages may have to end up closer to a motorway than even the cafe of a motorway services, we do apologise.
By cancelling the burden of the welfare state we will make getting to London a bit quicker than it was before by building a massive new rallway, dubbed the HS2, that’ll churn up the countryside, but you’ll be travelling so fast on the new trains, the countryside will just appear as a blur anyway. Do you like your car? Well don’t vote for a socialist, you might have to become a “buswanker” under Corbyn or a “trainfiddler” May - “I came up with that one in the office!”.
9. Education.
Our reintroduced grammar schools will.mean that your child has far less competition as most of it will be eliminated by age 11. Comprehensive schools for comprehensively poorer life choices. Pressurise your child into passing that exam to within an inch of their life.
Jeremy Corbyn is to us like Fidel Castro on speed.
Remember this saying! Jeremy Corbyn = Fidel Castro
ONE AND THE SAME! DON’T VOTE FOR BRITAIN TO TURN INTO CUBA THIS JUNE!
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In another small proposal..
We've applied for planning permission to build an access road that leads halfway up Donald Trump's arse. And we have been granted that permission so long as I Theresa May kisses the presidents feet on each state visit.
10. War!
What is it good for? said Edwin Starr but he was no economist nor a realist for that matter. The economy of course!. If a city in enemy territory has been partly levelled by a bomb than that shows how strong and stable we are. To finance the nation’s inevitable wars we are creating a war department once again , World War III can only now be around the corner,.s o to prepare we have put forward the best policies and departments from World War II that helped Britain win the war last time.
Under Labour Britain’s Army was dangerously underequipped, they had an ample supply of guns but not enough motivation, so in order to aid the strategic counter jihad operation against the Taliban and Al Baghdadi in Mosul our troops will be equipped with Mp3 players that have been preloaded with Metallica albums, pumped up with that sort of music, ISIS will soon be yesterday’s news, and we can stop sending air strike after air strike and making Syrian cities look like the IRA keeps dropping round for a cup of tea. Additionally the Ministry of Defence may also approve copies of Call of Duty and an Xbox One for each soldier to keep them in a military frame of mind, even in their downtime.
Heavy metal for heavy artilliery! keeping our soldiers pumped up for action! Metallica in their earpods for free!
Corbyn hates the Army, might as well ask ISIS round for a cup of tea!
11. Employment.
We'll guarantee jobs but not necessarily wages. Even if you don't always have a wage as that is just not.economic reality these days you can always remain fulfilled in employment anyway. Zero hour contracts are good because for people who don't enjoy employment yet have to earn some money can very often have no work to do.12. Labour
Jeremy Corbyn the chaotic leader of the Labour Party is a dangerous man, Mi5 have been able to confirm that he is friends with people on Facebook who are mutual friends of friends that are former members of the IRA & Hezbollah. The Secret Service have confirmed that he once went to Belfast in Northern Ireland where he has no friends or family or any other meaningful connections, he claimed he just wanted to visit. This is by far not the only example of Jeremy Corbyn’s chaotically dangerous personality, he once fell asleep on Virgin Trains, and under his government he has told us he wants to run them again, would you trust a man who would fall asleep travelling in something he has told he wants to run?
You wouldn’t vote for the IRA would you, so why vote Labour.
Did you know?
• Jeremy Corbyn went to Palestine once and shook hands with someone who might have been from the Hamas organisation?
• Jeremy Corbyn once snubbed a garden party in celebration of the Royals
• Jeremy Corbyn has an Atomic Kitten CD in his collection
• Jeremy Corbyn refuses to wear a tie when addressing me in Parliament!
• Jeremy Corbyn once got a call from Donald Trump and ignored it, forcing him to leave a message instead.
• Jeremy Corbyn once considered a career as a clown, politely called a “childrens entertainer” before embarking on his career in politics!
• Tony Blair once had to have a quiet word with Jeremy Corbyn about something or other..
• A paparazzi working for a tabloid newspaper once told me that he had never seen Corbyn tip any waiter in any restaurant he has seen him in! So much for socialism!
• Jeremy Corbyn did not pay his council tax, then called the “Community Charge” in 1991, which is very irresponsible behaviour for an MP!
•
Say no more, say no more!
This is a picture of Jeremy Corbyn , looks a bit shifty doesn’t he? As they say, every picture tells a thousand words!
Jeremy Corbyn supports ISIS’ despicable actions, he doesn’t believe in air strikes so Jihadi John might have still been walking this earth.
And finally would you vote for this?
Sensible, “strong and stable” Conservatives never look this ridiculous, fact!
I prefer the term “the state” for government & public services, as you can see the word “welfare” has been removed as we don’t want to encourage anybody who would depend on a “welfare state” and not create their own businesses or something more worthy. Research has shown that the most prominent way in which people are encouraged to rely on the welfare state is by having a so called “welfare state” to rely on in the first place, therefore we have put forward plans to remove it in this parliament and replace it with private insurance instead, in terms of extracting money from insurance companies the service can be far less reliable and as a result people will learn to become self-reliant, especially as insurance companies will also only pay out “to those most in need” which is also in line with our policy on disability benefits.
Research undertaken in the past few decades has shown that iif a welfare state is allowed to exist, people will start to use it, and then become RELIANT. To make sure that work pays, remember to vote Conservative. The pay you get from your employer is undermined by those on welfare also receiving money, they get to enjoy a life that is almost as good as yours, and you have to pay for them receiving welfare payments deducted from your pay for being a worker, and you don’t get any of it yourself as you are working and not claiming,, how is that fair? and most people in work will always have a job because they are willing to work, often when they become unemployed it is their own fault, they have not worked hard enough or were rude to the boss, or didn’t foresse a global economic crisis
If you are disabled it is unfortunately quite hard for us to argue that you should have to work and we should have no responsibility for paying for your lifestyle, so we will continue to make access to disability benefits quite hard like passing an exam but if you do manage to pass by our criteria you could probably work couldn’t you, so this system really does catch everybody out! Fraudsters are frowning and cheats are checking out! If you want to make sure that disabled people have to keep jumping through hoops before spending any of YOUR money, then vote conservative this June!
14. Homes
We’ll continue to allow you to buy your own homes, to secure your families future, from an estate agent if you can afford it because you have been rewarded by making the right choices in life. We will give you some help to buy, by allowing your children the chance to go to grammar school by passing an ultra competitive 11 plus exam and working their way the ladder of meritocracy. This also guarantees you a nice neighbourhood of people who have had to work for their homes
15. Drugs
Did you know that most hard drug
users began their addictions with mere tea and coffee, leading eventually to
the hardest drugs?
Tea, Coffee & Tobacco will be
regulated under a new Class D category, and those on benefits will have to be
licensed to consume them. Cannabis will be reclassified as Class A. All drugs
will be removed from their respective Class B & C categories as evidence
shows that the use of Cannabis for example usually leads to the consumption of
and addiction to much harder drugs, as a
result of this we have simplified the anti drugs legislation and lumped all
controlled substances together into Class A.
The Internet will be regulated as a
Class E drug and addiction will be monitored through the snoopers charter.Those
that violate new anti internet drug legislation will be sent a government
modified version of the cryptovirus and all your documents, photos and videos will be encrypted until you comply.
I will allow a free vote in Parliament to still allow fox hunting as it has always gone on anyway. Who really likes foxes, those against fox hunting have obviously never met a fox, being dead is too good for it after what happened to my chickens.
Tally ho! My good man!
Nicola Sturgeon is free to run the SNP as far as I’m concerned but not Scotland, I don’t care how many seats she has up there, I have the seats in Westminster, and that’s where the United Kingdom is ruled from.
Theresa May
For the purpose of this election I have become the “Conservative Party” and the Conservative Party has become “Theresa May”, therefore to avoid potential confusion we have decided to amalgamate to become “Theresa May’s Conservatives”
Vote for me Theresa May!
This is the face that shows Europe what’s what!
I look very “strong and stable” here, this is the face of someone very stern, someone who would tell you off and give you detention, send you down if I were a magistrate, or arrest you if I were a policeman, in other words, I am not some friendly sop who you can have a cup of tea with whilst you tell me all your woes, I’m not Jeremy Corbyn, I am the one that gets things done and I’m not afraid to do it, if the NHS needs scrapping and replacing with Virgin Healthcare because it is in the best interests of British business and continued employment and profit then I will make it happen, not like the lily livered, tree hugging, hippie commune living, organic yoghurt downing, fair-trade coffee slurping layabout Corbyn, it’s your choice, this election, but only because I gave you that choice, see I’m fair like that!
- I am not racist but,, I will make it harder to get into this country, if you are from the European Union, Brexit means Brexit, hard brexit is not a term I’d use but it does describe the situation now of anyone from Bulgaria or Romania who wants to turn up at Dover and tell my border agents that they want to open up a chippy in Margate, that’s hard brexit mate!
- My favourite colour is blue, a very strong and stable choice. Red is the colour of aggression, disorder, tackiness, in other words it’s Corbyn, Corbyn, Corbyn.
This manifesto is printed in “Strong & Stable” paper that will be 100% maybe recycled later.
