The UnRadio Times - Christmas 2017 (Updated Christmas 2021)
With
some of the best unprogrammes from the top unchannels this unchristmas.
TVC1, TVC2 & UnChannel 5!
UnChannel 5
Thursday 23 December
Image credit: The Daily Mirror2.00pm Pete Doherty’s Counselling Session LIVE
For the first time TV cameras record a live counselling session with a psychologist as Pete Doherty unveils his deepest traumas following the passing of his once close friend and confidante Amy Winehouse.
Did
you know? A working title for this programme was “I’m getting counselling and
proud – Pete Doherty My Story” but was later rejected for being too ridiculous
even for Channel 5.
4.00
Gordon Brown – What Do I Do Now?
Former prime minster Gordon Brown tells us what he gets up to now, since he lost the 2010 general election he has developed a keen interest in the Monopoly board game, carp fishing and following the Brexit negotiations with a fine tooth comb.
CHRISTMAS SEASON FROM HELL
NIGHT
In association with the Daily Mail UnChannel 5 presents a whole evening of the very best programmes we have made so far that thoroughly stigmatise the unemployed and keep those claiming disability allowances on their toes at all times looking over their shoulders.
Paul Dacre from The Daily Mail explains benefits and our themed evening.
Did you know? Some Benefit claimants can receive money without working for it, they just get badgered in a job centre or have to fill out a questionnaire every couple of years. Taxpayers fund benefit claimants but never need any help themselves, that means if you are a taxpayer you have funded some of your own entertainment tonight. Set your outrage meter to 10 or more and settle in for a whole evening of feeling sanctimonious about those less fortunate than yourself, even if you are a night security guard you can feel infinitely superior to the benefit class.
6.00
Christmas on benefits and proud
Looking at the stories of claimants who choose to spend any of their money on celebrating Christmas rather than meeting their most essential needs including the story of Tracey from Boston, Lincolnshire who has been sanctioned for 3 years by the Job Centre yet still manages to eat Christmas dinner and Rob from Runcorn who bought a keg of beer with his Jobseekers Allowance tells us that he as he misses Christmas every year by passing out he doesn’t pay for the celebrations with merely his benefits.
7.00
I Work but for some reason you don’t! Festive special.
An hour of indignation about those who are not in the workplace from viewers who are gainfully employed, viewers swap presents with those of the claimants they deem more appropriate.
8.00
My Christmas and Proud
A single mum from Northwich in Cheshire who has a living room that looks more like the nearby Delamere Forest every yuletide season and a man who lives in a one bedroom flat in Northampton who has now received an injunction from the council banning him from playing either Slade or Wizzard tracks during the month of December after his relationship with his immediate neighbours "deteriorated".
8.30
Can’t Give A Present, Won’t Give A Present.
..and Proud
A look at those who can either not afford to give generously at Christmas or simply refuse to, a lorry driver from Wigan hasn’t bought anyone a present for over 14 years despite receiving bonus payments he received after managing to deliver an Amazon cargo to Scotland in less than 3 hours from Manchester.
9.00
Never The Last of the Christmas Mulled Wine
Tales of drunkenness and debauchery at Christmas
A group of lads from Barnsley had such a good Christmas Eve bender that they spent Christmas Day in oblivion only coming to late on Boxing Day.
A man from Preston whose exterior Christmas lights that have been certified by the council as brighter than Blackpool’s illuminations which has led to some annual ruckus with his immediate neighbours one of whom resorted to vandalising the neighbourhoods electricity supply in order to be able to sleep in her bedroom at night.
11.00 My Christmas Tree from Hell
Personal stories of bad luck and tragedy associated with the humble Christmas tree, Julie from Reading spent one Christmas waiting for hours in A&E after tripping up on some dropped baubles from her tree when she was trying to vacuum up all the excess pine needles it dropped onto her floor. Steve from Coventry was knocked unconscious when his giant tree fell on him causing the heavy fairy at the top to make a serious impact on his forehead, now he is considering plastic surgery to remove a slightly fairy-like looking imprint at the left of his complexion.
12Midnight
Superstar Television Casino
Fabulous prizes to be won every night including an all expenses paid trip to Thailand, a Christmas hamper and 100 black biros.
Phone number doesn't actually exist but if it does and you try it you will be rewarded with a very high phone bill!
To win a brand new black marker for Christmas answer who invented the ballpoint pen.
9.25am Jeremy Kyle’s nativity - Mary & Jesus Christ Special
Jeremy Kyle investigates what really went on at 0 BC just before the birth of Jesus Christ.
Mary
– Was she a national disgrace that night? Jeremy Kyle
In a heated discussion Jeremy Kyle takes a critical look at how Mary handled the night she gave birth to Jesus Christ.
He also asks is Jesus Christ all he's cracked up to be? Kyle asserts that the historical religious icon & folk hero might have actually spent his life sponging off ancient Middle Eastern society.
10.30
This Morning – Benefits at Christmas special. A disgrace investigated.
Following an appearance on their sofa earlier this month Philp Schofield and Holly Willoughby look further at the case of a woman who has bought too many presents for her children at Christmas even though she is on benefits.
Call
0870 098 5654 + the number of the gift of choice to nominate the most
inappropriate present to buy whilst on benefits.
PlayStation 4/Xbox One – add 1
Cadburys
Dairy Milk Deluxe – add 9
9pm The
Eye Of Britain – The Thieves Who Steal Our Cold
In tonight's investigative documentary Donal Macintyre looks at the nations most unscrupulous hawkers of stolen snow and ice, which renders many parts of the country unpicturesque after the ruthless thieves have struck, the main street of the small Yorkshire town of Knaresborough looked like a scene from an idyllic Christmas card immediately after snow fell but it wasn’t long before a gang of Eastern European descent was there with a Ford Transit van.
DONAL MACINTYRE speaks to the UnRadio Times
"To
infiltrate the gang and earn their trust I had to learn to operate a Romanian snowplough,
then we embarked on a tour of the West End’s top restaurants offering cheap
knocked off ice, and as part of an initiation ceremony I had snow put down the inside of
my trousers"
TVC2
CHRISTMAS
EVE
10.00am
Tony Blair’s Christmas Fair
With nothing much to do now the former New Labour prime minister spends his time warning the nation against Brexit and making arts and crafts which he showcases in a small town in the North East of England. He shows us his range of anti Brexit wooly jumpers which he and his wife Cherie have personally knitted and his apology leggings, in which he apologises to the nation about his decision to go to war with Iraq in the Middle East back in 2003 in the form of home knitted leggings. He also demonstrates his “Hate Corbyn Socks” in which a different grievance against the Labour party leader who lost the election has been knitted by Tony into 7 socks meant for wearing on each day of the week.
#tonyblairchristmasfair, you can order the Anti
Brexit, Anti Corbyn, war apology merchandise now.
11.00
Film: My Christmas Feelings.
A family from Miami move to Yakutsk in Siberia, an area where you can’t feel your fingers as soon
as you go outside, in order to live somewhere that looks like a Christmas card. But tragedy strikes when they discover that Amazon won’t deliver to their new location. (2018, U)
12.30pm Christmas Crimewatch with Michael Buerk.
As home burglaries spike at this time of year, how safe are those presents around your tree? Michael Buerk puts it to the test and attempts to break in to homes in a suburban estate in Reading using nothing but his eyes and a crowbar.
Michael Buerk goes equipped, would he
be able to break into your house?
1.30
The Festive Factor – Christmas Carol Junior specials
Simon Cowell introduces a carol singing competition in which he ruthlessly dispatches girls as young as 7 years of age if they can’t hit the perfect note. Ant & Dec are backstage to dry off the tears using a hairdryer and have a laugh with all the crying girls, a record contract that aims to rival the career of Charlotte Church is on offer.
DO YOU WANT TO BE A GLOBAL SUPERSTAR RECORDING YOUR OWN
COVER OF “SILENT NIGHT”?
CONTACT THE FESTIVE FACTOR NOW, PAYPOST COWELL
PRODUCTIONS LONDON. The production team are also looking for those that can’t
sing for the comedy element of the programme, if you’re the best person who
can’t sing then Simon Cowell wants to hear from you, just the once.
2.30
Christmas Shopping from Hell
As the festive shopping window finally closes on Christmas Eve afternoon, John Sweeney examines some of the worst incidents to befall Christmas shoppers this yuletide season including one family who ordered a Microsoft Xbox One from Amazon but were mistakenly delivered a brand new Sony PlayStation 4 instead ruining their Christmas as they declare themselves to be “Microsoft fanboys”, and the tale of two mothers from Hampshire who ended up in a queue of hundreds of people all vying to get the last of the supply of sprouts in an M&S.
3.30
Last Minute Shopping Live
Having smugly completed her own Christmas shop back in November, Vanessa Feltz takes cameras to London's Oxford Street to capture the frustrated last shopping moments of the more desperate consumers who are trying to scour some of the just about remaining items in the big shops that they hope might just about pass for Christmas presents including a small plastic christmas tree complete with flashing lights and marked down soon to be past their use by date mince pies.
4.30
NEW: The Snowman & The Snowwoman (2017)
In a ground-breaking new animation from 2017, the classic adventure is retold as The Snowman now has a new snowpartner and only together do they meet the little boy and take him on a whimsical adventure.
Wondering
why you have not seen the original “Snowman” in our guide this year and why a
snowwoman? The creator of the original “The Snowman” has all the answers! OFCOM
told me to censure the original animation as it told the story of a single man
partaking in a “relationship” of sorts with a younger boy and for today’s
audience that could now be considered appropriate. So this year I created a new way to tell the
classic tale that would fit our more politically correct and enlightened
times. The Snowmum and Snowdad is a new
animation planned for 2018.
5.30
Paul O Grady’s love of Birkenhead
The down to earth presenter and comedian takes us on a whistle-stop tour of the town he came from by growing up there.
It might be a town tougher than Pablo Escobar's drug empire but it holds many sentimental memories for Paul such as the time he was thrown out of one of Argyll Street’s toughest nightclubs at the age of 18, suffering his first burglary and gazing open mouthed at the view across the Mersey to the Liverpool skyline at the bus stop of Whetstone Lane as someone ran up and nicked his fags.
HD,
Subtitles.
6.30
The Best Worst Presents In The World Ever..
Dermot Murgahan unravels a stocking full of the most atrocious examples of gift ideas our civilisation has ever come up with. A woman from Scunthrope gift wrapped her divorce papers to her ex husband with a pretty bow and a mum from Bolton unwittingly bought her two boys a broken games console. Tina from Norwich bought a tray of mince pies from a local market stall only to later discover mouse droppings inside it that looked almost identical to the currents in the foodstuff. “It hit the bin faster than Tiger Woods usually gets a hole in one”.
7.30
Who Wants to ..just about be able to afford Christmas?
Financial expert Rich Hall looks at ways we could just about finance our Christmas celebrations even if bogged down with benefit sanctions or debt. Rich also looks at the best 25 year mortgages for the new year that come with a free pen.
8.00
Cooking up a catastrophe
Cooking up a Christmas treat with these stories where the only thing that got cooked up was a Christmas culinary catastrophe, including Brussels sprouts popping in a microwave, a turkey deliciously cooked on the outside but with its innards still resembling Antarctica.
8.30
Bestenders
The worst of the best arguments from the most miserable part of the country, Ian divorces his 7th wife and Phil sets fire to the pub for the third Christmas in a row, the residents of Albert Square are now so used to seeing the usual annual orange glow from the Queen Vic that they don’t even twitch their curtains.
9.00
University Challenged – The Quiz
Jeremy Paxman returns for a sardonic quiz featuring only those who were not able to make it into any university, the questions remain as challenging as the regular edition but if a contestant actually manages to get a single question right they’ll get a cuddle from a supermodel.
9.30
Christmas is Sick!
The best stories of unfortunate sickness
at Christmas, Anne of Ellesmere Port was so glued to her toilet due to her
severe diarrhoea over Christmas that she even opened up her presents in the
bathroom and then sprayed them with disinfectant. Luke from Stockport somehow
managed to contract Swine Flu and to prevent a national epidemic from breaking
out he was advised to cut himself off from his family and friends. “Can’t
remember much about my horrible sickly festive season but I remember doing the
New Year countdown from my pillow, I was so out of it I had just watched the
Queens speech live from my sickbed, fell asleep and then when I woke up there
were fireworks, but whenever I threw up I thought the display was even more
spectacular it was that dramatic”.
10.00
Don’t Do It Yourself, Homewreckers at Christmas.
Don’t
do it yourself whatever you do.
Examples of the worst attempts at DIY across the country including a man from Braintree who tried to staple the top of his Christmas tree to the ceiling and a man from Sunderland who thought he had invented an automatic present wrapping machine by combining a black and decker drill with a hammer.
11.00
Jim Didn’t Fix It – There Was something about him.
Stars pay reverse homage to a star they
now hold in contempt following the revelation of his unsavoury crimes during
the time he was alive. Michael Parkinson reedits his former tribute footage
from 2011 to tell us that he “suspected
all along”, “he liked things where
you got to grab people as a presenter and then spin around with them, we really
should have put two and two together, I also wondered why he said he needed to
go and sign autographs with fans in a nearby Premier Inn and not his dressing
room just across the corridor from the Top Of The Pops studio”.
1.10am
Climate Change Christmas Weather including the December Pollen Report.
How warm shouldn’t it be today and tomorrow?
Worldwide climate change has now become so rampant that high pollen counts are now a regular occurrence in December with record numbers of people now suffering from hay fever on Christmas Day explains The Met Office, which also has had to overhaul the colour schemes on its weather forecasting maps "Temperatures in the upper 30s which used to be shown as bright red are now a normal summers day in England so we now show a blistering 36°C as yellow" explains The Met Office's Derek Rise.
Some images used have been obtained by internet search from various sources for comedy purposes, no copyright infringement intended!
