Ordinary Bloke plans to launch his own streaming service

Gary Matthews, 41, an ordinary bloke from Teesside has launched an exclusive new streaming service which is set to take on the likes of Amazon, Netflix & Disney+.  It is set to be named "Ordinary Bloke+" and will offer 12 videos that Gary from Hartlepool has lying around.

It is branded "ordinary bloke+" and it aims to give any subscribers insight into the life of a bog standard ordinary bloke from a typical suburban area.  It is available for just under a mere tenner a month and should keep customers "entertained" for about an hour.

Teesside Live had the following to say in its news article.

A Teesside Dad has revealed plans to launch his own streaming service where subscribers will gain exclusive access to his ordinary family holiday videos and footage of his cousins wedding, it will be dubbed Ordinary Bloke+ and will cost £9.99 a month. Gary plans to make if available on all platforms including Fire Stick, PS4, Xbox One and Smart TVs. Alongside videos of his family holidays to a Butlins holiday camp in 1995 and a sojourn to Benidorm from 2002 along with complete coverage of half an hour of his cousins Pauls wedding, Gary will throw in all the Ring doorbell camera video footage he has amassed since last Thursday when he bought the device in a branch of Currys. Footage from his car dashcam showing him having an altercation with a cyclist is included for a one off extra payment of £4.99 as part of his "premium" section.

Executives at the streaming giant are said to be "slightly concerned" about the inception of the new streaming platform "Ordinary Bloke+".

The streaming service priced at £9.99 a month to date offers just 12 videos in total, with a total runtime of just under an hour, nevertheless Gary a dad of four from Hartlepool says he thinks it can easily take on the likes of Netflix, Disney+ and Prime Video as they offer so much content no one knows what to choose but on his service (Ordinary Bloke+) it is much more simple and straightforward in comparison. Non subscribers can also get a taster of the videos his service offers as the first 2 seconds of every video is available for free.

"I considered launching this venture as an "OnlyFans" account but I soon realised there was nothing sexual about my cousins wedding, apart from the bride looking a bit hot, and his cousin looking "dapper" for any female viewers.

A look inside "ordinary bloke+"

The 12 videos what do you get? We investigate the 12 videos.

Shaky handheld phone footage of the "I do" part of the wedding ceremony of his cousin.

Gary loading a load of pallets into the back of a Ford Transit van.

Shaky old camcorder footage of a clown with makeup performing in a Butlins holiday camp in North Wales from 1995.

A road rage video in Clapham of a cyclist looking annoyed at Gary as he passes him too closely in this van (for the rest of the video when it reaches the altercation part subscribers will also need to pay for ordinary bloke+ extra at an extra fee of £4.99).

A ring doorbell video of a salesman being ignored.

Gary filming around his living room looking at the wallpaper and saying out loud that he thinks it needs a bit of decorating.

A video shot on his phone of his device tumbling down the stairs, then Gary going to pick it up and stopping the recording.

Gary trying on suits for Paul (his cousin's wedding)

Gary's phone shooting a video whilst plonked down on a bar where he fiddles with and tears up a beermat as he sinks a Fosters lager.

Gary opening up an instance of "Paint" on his Windows 10 laptop and designing a logo for "Ordinary Bloke+" using the brush tool that looks like it was just done in 5 minutes in "Paint" because it actually was.

A ring doorbell video of a spotty lad pushing a copy of the Sun newspaper through Gary's door.

Gary comes home from work with paint on his overalls and gives his wife a hug (this one has the highest views so far, perhaps because his wife is quite attractive).

Ordinary Bloke+ has already performed slightly better than streaming service "Peacock"in the UK therefore it is considered to be its closest competitor. One viewer from Hemel Hempstead watched a quarter of an episode of the US version of "The Office" before logging out, to date that has been "Peacock's" biggest success in the UK so far.

As the streaming service went live, these videos actually performed slightly better than Peacock, a streaming service that nobody has heard of in the UK. Gary said he might even add more videos to the "streaming service" if he either "has time" or "can be bothered" but is not making any promises, before he came up with the idea of launching his own streaming service down the Swan & Neck pub in Middlesbrough on a Saturday night Gary previously ran a Youtube channel which contained most of the videos he is now featuring on "ordinary bloke+" but they have all now been set to private. One disappointed man from Northumberland has contacted us to say he has now cancelled as he misread the promotion and believed he would be getting "12 videos an hour" and not 12 videos in total that collectively last just under an hour in total, he has contacted his local Trading Standards office about Gary. He is demanding the £9.99 he paid out for Ordinary Bloke+ and his solicitor has demanded that he either refund that or buy him a drink if he comes and meets him in a pub om Morpeth.

The UnRadio Times - Christmas 2021

 

Un Radio Times Christmas 2021

 First written during Christmas 2021.  Some images were sourced from Google Search and don't belong to the blog.

TVC1

A Stay at home schedule in association with “Zoom”.  Boris Johnson says “stay put” so why not stay glued to TVC1 especially if you’ve been isolated from your family and Zoom has crashed.

6am News & Presents

Presents are unwrapped in the news studio along with a festive unveiling of the latest coronavirus restrictions to come in to force straight after christmas hand delivered by Boris Johnson’s personal aide to Eamonn Holmes.

9.25 That’s One Good Christmas Meal with Joe Lycett

Camp presenter Joe Lycett demonstrates how to put together the best festive meals for one as many only connect with their families over Zoom on the big day.  He then shows us how we can make a complaint against the Coronavirus for all the trouble it has caused.

10.25 This Christmas Morning

With Philip Schofield, Greta Thunberg & LadBaby. With guest Andrew Neil who discusses how it all went wrong for him on “GB News”, he then persuades Philip Schofield to do a piece to camera begging the BBC to take him back on his behalf, he is also going down on his hands and knees outside the headquarters of Channel 4.

12.30pm Rich, Influential & Jabbed

If we can do it, you should, is the message of most major UK celebrities unless they go by the names of “Eric Clapton” or present on GB News.

Footage of top TV hosts such as Piers Morgan & Jeremy Vine getting the booster jab with an encouraging message to the British public who have been encouraged to get their 3^rd “booster” jab even on Christmas & Boxing Day, one centre in Coventry will show a live feed of TVC1 and you can watch programmes such as Prince Harry talking jabbering nonsense whilst a long and thin needle gets quickly pressed into your arm.

1.30 The LADBaby Christmas Gala
LadBaby perform their four consecutive silly songs that have made the UK Christmas number 1 for 4 years in a row, whilst eating sausage rolls at the mic and smashing it with a cup of tea, all the while his wife stands hollering and clapping.  In a preview copy of this programme, LadBaby’s wife has already caused controversy prior to the programme even going out after it was leaked that she gave the middle finger to The Beatles, The Spice Girls & Westlife collectively after LadBaby smashed some of their chart records.

2.00 Johnny Vegas’ Christmas Puds

Being a life long adorer of all things food, the St Helens derived comedian and entertainer hasn’t waited very long for his Christmas lunch, he gives us the lowdown on some of the bizarre things that were part of it last year such as blueberry muffins coated in oxo cube gravy and gives tips on how to overcome one of the many so called “food hangovers” he has suffered on the big festive day over the years.

Johnny Vegas gave us an exclusive interview with his tips from the programme.

“Eat what you want but you’ve got to learn to space it all out, don’t have another mince pie until after the Queen and then wait for Home Alone on Channel 4 to eat the Christmas pudding otherwise you will be spending the big day on the smallest and worst room of the house, I’ll give you a clue it’s the one with the most water in it. 2020 was a memorable one for me, Crimbo Day all on my todd and I eat a whole box of Quality Street right on top of an omelette drizzling in olive oil in front of The Celebrity Chase, my mum said it was probably the first time in Britain that anyone has been sick over Zoom”.

Johnny Vegas reckons he probably should have left this in the pan after he emptied a whole tin of Quality Street into himself, you'll wish you were only listening to him on the radio when he insists on showing you in HD the end result  of that ill informed decision of his in the bathroom.

3.00 Prince Harry’s Incoherent Nonsense

With the Queen unable to speak this year and Prince Charles busy on a royal family zoom call, only Prince Harry was free to do the traditional speech, he addresses the nation on a range of issues revolving around everything from his army bunk mate hijinks to how hard it was even for him to get hold of a Sony Playstation 5 games console due to the worlds microship shortage.

3.15 FILM PREMIERE: Pixar’s Wipers

The lovable animated windscreen wipers try to find a way to survive together after the car they have been on the outside windscreen of has ended up scrapped, a ruthless scrapyard dealer is trying to sell them separately on Ebay and has threatened to snap them up if they don’t manage to sell but when they make friends with a happy go lucky Morris Minor which is being restored by Georgie (voiced by David Dickinson) they start to see some possible hope for their future if they can manage to hatch a plan to get fitted onto its windscreen.

2017, U, Subtitles, UHD, available on TVC+ for 7 days, if you miss that window you’ll probably have to resort to piracy.

4.55 Paul O Grady’s For The Love of Birkenhead at Christmas

The comedian and chat show host visits the hometown of his childhood for a Christmas Eve night on the tiles down the clubs of the infamous Argyll Street where he gives us a survival guide of getting on the right side of the slightly aggrieved bouncers who police the doors in the early hours.

5.45 Al Gore’s Search For The Lost Snow
Climate activist and alarmist documentary maker Al Gore charters four private Boeing 737 planes around the world in search of the rarest locations left that still get any snow on the ground around Christmas time.

Snow will eventually become as meaningless to the next generation as clocks as due to the effects of climate change there may soon be none left in the world, and what is left will just feature in TV programmes and movies from the past.  A live action version of "The Snowman" would now not be viable because of climate change.

6.15 Christmas news, weather and pollen report.

2021 was the warmest year on record around the globe, that includes Manchester where according to the forecast fans are set to be needed in the newsroom on Christmas Day.

6.30 Strictly Socially Distanced but still Dancing

Celebrity couples manage to compete with a choreographed dance routine despite taking part in separate studios several miles apart from one another due to current social distancing protocols, their individual performances are pieced together using CGI, and this regular edition of the programme has been transformed into a festive special by studio runners being told by producers to drop a piece of tinsel on the floor.

7.30 Eastenders – A Socially Distanced Feud.

As the families of Walford experience a miserably socially distanced day,A Christmas Zoom conference aiming to bring the Mitchell and Beale families together ends in the dum dums come when Ian Beale slams his laptop lid down in disgust and Phil throws his brand new IPhone on the floor.  Phil Mitchell would have come to blows with Ian Beale for the 37^th time but had to make do with making an angry voice at him over Zoom.

8.00 Any Room For a Little One?

Comedians Russell Brand and Joe Lycett attempt to find out if the equivalent of Mary was about to give birth to Jesus Christ would the likes of Premier Inn & Travelodge accept her if their "inns were full"

9.00 Billy Connolly – I’m Still Here, By The Way!

A feature length documentary with ageing comedian Billy Connolly in which he reminds his viewers and fans that he’s still around and can even sometimes be funny. “I hang around in Florida a lot these days, but I’m still cutting edge” Some of his latest stand up material has a lot that can still be related to, the inconvenience of hearing aids, pre-paid funeral plans and the weird design shape of zimmerframes.

10.00 Christmas can be Murder!

TV psychologist and true crime documentary presenter Emma Kenny ponders the question of why some resort to murder on the big day itself, she collates stories of some of the most intriguing murder cases to have taken place on Christmas Day over the years, one family member wouldn’t let their mother watch the Queens speech and ended up dead after a fork was thrown and ended up going through one of their eyes, another took advantage of the roads being quieter to dispose of a body choosing the airing of the Queens speech as the perfect time to sneak a big binbag out of the house.

11.00 Christmas News & Climate Change Weather

The latest news and unexpectedly high temperatures for the festive season, followed by a COP26 themed Christmas weather alert.

11.15 Christmas in 2050 with Greta Thunberg

Greta returns to frontline TV documentary presenting with this speculatively factual programme which paints an alarming picture of the average Christmas Day in the British Isles by the 2050s, tropical temperatures can be expected as far north as Leeds and opening presents whilst sipping a cocktail on a beach chair in a front garden, Australians may join British relatives as the country will over December become nothing but a hot, baking desert.

Auditing night after dark.

12.00 am CHOICE Here Come The Auditors – The Don’t Film Me Special

A documentary looking at the work of Youtube’s top so called “auditors” who film outside public buildings such as police stations and courts, shopping malls and private businesses on trading estates to generate expletive filled confrontations with company owners, employees and authority figures to bolster their viewing figures on the popular video sharing site.  The maker of this documentary didn’t want to be filmed either and claimed that TVC’s offices were “private property” which lead to a particularly interesting segment of this programme after one of his interviewees a so called “UK Meet The Tyrants” aka Mark Evans who turns interrogator, also featured are “Live Free” who talks about his experiences following a 12 week prison sentence, Marti Blagborough and the man behind “Auditing Britain”.

i

1am Charlie Veitch – Manchester & Me

A look at Youtube Vlogger & political activist Charlie Veitch and his often volatile, confrontational and frank relationship with the city of Manchester & its inhabitants as him and an expensive SLR camera go on travels together.  His many confrontations have involved irate taxi drivers, partakers of the illicit and illegal drug “crack cocaine” dubbed by the Veitchster as “crackheads”, and religious preachers on street corners with eye watering extreme views, chances are if you have been arrested or had an argument somewhere in Manchester City Centre it has helped bolster Veitch’s personal Youtube channel and helped him along with his goal of purchasing an 8K video camera thanks to the lucrative advertising revenue he has accrued.  Andy Burnham the metro mayor of Manchester and the leader of Manchester City Council arrive to give the Youtube VLogger an award for beating off lots of competition to becoming the most vocal man of Manchester, an award previously held by shock jock radio host James Stannage.

 

If you'd like to follow in the footsteps of Charlie Veitch and be able to afford one of these just like him you need to develop a talent for sticking your current more average quality camera in peoples faces as you traverse a public street, upload the results to a Youtube account, monetise it and you'll get almost as much advertising revenue as ITV1 and this will be yours in no time!

2am Live Free’s Prison Diary – Downfall in Merthyr Tydfil

“Live Free” of the Youtube channel of the same name records his thoughts on his prison experience during 2021, his many audits were going swimmingly until he came acropper with the Welsh.

2.30 Marti Blagborough’s Drone Zone

Marti Blagborough who runs the self named Youtube “auditing” channel takes us through some of his best remonstrations with private business owners and police stations etc where he has ended up sending a video recording drone high above the properties concerned to film and take pictures anyway, resulting in some stunning aerial footage of amongst other things a lacklustre trading estate at the back end of Bradford.

3am Auditing TVC1 – The argument of the century.

TVC1 producers got some of Britian’s top “auditors” together such as “Live Free”, Marti Blagborough, “Auditing Britain” & “UK Meet The Tyrants” together and pretended not to give permission for “auditing Britain” to film outside of our studios which riled them all up sufficiently to record a heated and very expletive filled confrontation which lasted over an hour, 30 minute highlights of which are presented here.  Strong language throughout followed by news and weather, after you see the projected temperatures across the UK for Boxing Day, warning: you may use strong language following viewing of this programme.

4am Courting a Verbal Booby Trap

In the Youtube vlogger equivalent of playing the game “minesweeper”, the auditors are challenged to stand and film outside Manchester Crown Court and talk for an hour without committing some sort of verbal infraction that could potentially see them charged with contempt or their Youtube channels removed or demonetized. The winner will receive a thousand further subscribers to their channel and 30% more ad revenue for a year.

 

4.30 New Years Resolutions From Hell

A compilation of the most nightmarous new years resolutions ever made, such as one man in Chesters resolution in 2014 to become a serial killer in the next year which resulted in 3 dead and a man in Basingstoke resolved to finally get round to the decorating only to find the walls of his semi detached bungalow were saturated in dry rot.

6.30 New Year’s Eve from Hell.. and Proud

Some of the worst stories about how New Year’s Eve will be spent from around the country, including a self-employed man from Worthing planning to do the taxes from his small business until Midnight and a woman from Bristol with no remaining family or friends who has also fallen out with all her neighbours over who is allowed to put what into which bins has to resort to actually watching Jools Holland before going to bed.

7.30 Dominic Cummings – The Rough guide to Ignoring Lockdown

The former advisor to Prime Minister Boris Johnson Dominic Cummings uncovers the top tourist spots to visit around the UK if you are determined to avoid a national stay at home lockdown order, luckily at the most apathetically policed parts of the country and tips on managing to get to your second homes in locations such as Wales, Cornwall & Scotland such as driving to them during the dead of night, and the best freedom demonstrations around the UK to vent your anger at being contained.

9.00 Miranda – Still Haven’t got a Man 2020

Miranda Hart updates us on her single status which has been exacerbated by the pandemic, during 2020 she did find a romantic interest but was plagued by technical problems such as running out of zoom credit and only having an old laptop that started to refuse to load Microsoft Windows. In her true characteristic style with all her 30 something out on New Years Eve party dates she resorts to dressing up her living room curtains to look like companions and kissing them as Midnight approaches.

9.30 Jools Holland’s UK Government Sanctioned New Year’s Eve Warmup

Jools Holland showcases his legendary piano playing abilities on a grand piano situated inside 10 Downing Street in an official warmup to the only New Year’s Eve party allowed in the land, the designated celebration of the UK government is also being simulcast on TVC Parliament as legally the unofficial gathering has been classified as a “cabinet committee meeting”, the celebrations and Jools Holland’s numbers on the piano will  be interspersed with an in depth discussion on what to do about replacing the European subsidies to farmers in the West Country region following Britain’s exit from the EU, the committee will then propose a motion to do the countdown until Midnight whilst trying not to sound too tipsy.

10.00 Live from Number 10 until the Big 12.

Dermot O Leary goes live from the only party that is currently permitted in the land, officially designated as an emergency government cabinet meeting, he snacks on cheese & wine, boogies down to Abba songs with top ministers and does the conga along with top figures and privileged celebrities around the same back garden that Dominic Cummings was questioned in by journalists over his lockdown breaking trip to Barnard Castle in 2020.

11.55 Live from Big Ben – Raising a Glass to Lockdown

Alistair Stewart contains to Midnight when the British public will once again be able to enjoy some brand new restrictions and have to stay home again until at least Easter. All at the TVC studio raise a glass to the 4^th lockdown at the stroke of Midnight.

12.05am Paul McKenna – That Didn’t Just Happen

As the official UK government New Year’s Eve celebrations weren’t meant to happen, hypnotist Paul McKenna conducts a special hypnosis to make sure that any watching UK public believes that it didn’t either.

1.00 FILM: I’m In Power Actually!

The Network premiere of Richard Curtis’ latest film in which he tells the story of Prime Minister Boris Johnson and his ascent to power through a combination of quick witted mendacity and being in the right place in the right time in the style of his 2003 cinematic classic “Love Actually”.

2.45 Donal Macintyre's Radical New Year

The undercover reporter who has gained the confidence of skinhead gangs takes on his biggest challenge yet the task of trying to find something he'd really like to eat after a New Year's Eve party at a pub in South London which is often used as an informal conference centre for the capital's football hooligans, when he tries out a new so called "late night salad bar" that has just opened up in Clapham, it serves no carbs and offers a fast food service of lettuce, cabbage and sprouts to mainly drunk clubbers after Midnight. A minimum wage staff member hands a strapping bloke of  Barry who comes in post 12 cans of Carlsberg some coleslaw smothered in houmous wrapped up in a roll of lettuce with his request for mayonnaise or even some salad cream flatly denied.

Pre-school programming which hungover clubbers find trippy and relaxing in the early hours intersperesed with regular on screen warnings to drink some water to avoid the mother of all hangovers for New Year's Day.

3.30 Teletubbies

The coloutful characters walk around in a circle on a bright green grassy field only stopping to stare mesmerised at the TV's which are present on each others stomachs.

3.50 Bob The Builder

Bob submits a form to obtain planning permission to build a bathroom extension but is dismayed when he is told he won't be able to "fix it".

4.05 Tweenies

Anyone who gets this far has probably passed out by now.

11am FILM PREMIERE: Wipers 2 - The Great Monsoon (2021)

The loverable wipers do their best to defend the car that has made them part of the family when it takes a road trip through India on a voyage of discovery "to find itself".

12.55pm Clocks are no longer Trending

A so called zoomer, that is a modern person under the age of about 20 would have an easier time grasping ancient greek than reading the time from this old relic.  Zack, a zoomer from Reading who spends about 16 hours a day on TikTok and communicates with his peers exclusively with "memes" could only stare open mouthed when we at the UnRadio Times showed him this even when we offered a £1000 Amazon voucher if he could tell us the right time 

from it; We still have a voucher to give away!

What is that? Is generally the reaction when anyone under 20 sees something similar to the above image.

Chris Packham visits the Clock museum in the town of Great Whitleyborough of leafy Surray and laments on the current situation that most of the newer generations of younger people cannot actually contemplate the workings of analogue clocks much less understand them as the time displayed digitally has now become integral to their body worn technological devices.

2.10 The World War II Dance Ensemble

Julie Andrews, Dick Van Dyke, Fred Astaire & Frank Sinatra re-enact some of World War II's most signficant military moments such as the D-Day Landings of 1944 in song and dance in this unearthed 1964 film that initially 20th Century Fox tried to sit on fearing the public reaction if it gained a cinematic release.

..  ..

The UnRadio Times - Christmas 2017 (updated Christmas 2021)

 

The UnRadio Times - Christmas 2017 (Updated Christmas 2021)

With some of the best unprogrammes from the top unchannels this unchristmas.

TVC1, TVC2 & UnChannel 5!

 

UnChannel 5

Thursday 23 December

 

Image credit: The Daily Mirror

2.00pm Pete Doherty’s Counselling Session LIVE

 

For the first time TV cameras record a live counselling session with a psychologist as Pete Doherty unveils his deepest traumas following the passing of his once close friend and confidante Amy Winehouse.

Did you know? A working title for this programme was “I’m getting counselling and proud – Pete Doherty My Story” but was later rejected for being too ridiculous even for Channel 5.

 

4.00 Gordon Brown – What Do I Do Now?

Former prime minster Gordon Brown tells us what he gets up to now, since he lost the 2010 general election he has developed a keen interest in the Monopoly board game, carp fishing and following the Brexit negotiations with a fine tooth comb.

 

CHRISTMAS SEASON FROM HELL NIGHT

In association with the Daily Mail UnChannel 5 presents a whole evening of the very best programmes we have made so far that thoroughly stigmatise the unemployed and keep those claiming disability allowances on their toes at all times looking over their shoulders.

Paul Dacre from The Daily Mail explains benefits and our themed evening.

Did you know? Some Benefit claimants can receive money without working for it, they just get badgered in a job centre or have to fill out a questionnaire every couple of years. Taxpayers fund benefit claimants but never need any help themselves, that means if you are a taxpayer you have funded some of your own entertainment tonight.  Set your outrage meter to 10 or more and settle in for a whole evening of feeling sanctimonious about those less fortunate than yourself, even if you are a night security guard you can feel infinitely superior to the benefit class.

6.00 Christmas on benefits and proud

Looking at the stories of claimants who choose to spend any of their money on celebrating Christmas rather than meeting their most essential needs including the story of Tracey from Boston, Lincolnshire who has been sanctioned for 3 years by the Job Centre yet still manages to eat Christmas dinner and Rob from Runcorn who bought a keg of beer with his Jobseekers Allowance tells us that he as he misses Christmas every year by passing out he doesn’t pay for the celebrations with merely his benefits.

7.00 I Work but for some reason you don’t! Festive special.

An hour of indignation about those who are not in the workplace from viewers who are gainfully employed, viewers swap presents with those of the claimants they deem more appropriate.

 

8.00 My Christmas and Proud

A single mum from Northwich in Cheshire who has a living room that looks more like the nearby Delamere Forest every yuletide season and a man who lives in a one bedroom flat in Northampton who has now received an injunction from the council banning him from playing either Slade or Wizzard tracks during the month of December after his relationship with his immediate neighbours "deteriorated".

8.30 Can’t Give A Present, Won’t Give A Present.

..and Proud

A look at those who can either not afford to give generously at Christmas or simply refuse to, a lorry driver from Wigan hasn’t bought anyone a present for over 14 years despite receiving bonus payments he received after managing to deliver an Amazon cargo to Scotland in less than 3 hours from Manchester.

 

9.00 Never The Last of the Christmas Mulled Wine

Tales of drunkenness and debauchery at Christmas

A group of lads from Barnsley had such a good Christmas Eve bender that they spent Christmas Day in oblivion only coming to late on Boxing Day.

 

10.00  - I Wish It Wasn’t Christmas Everyday, actually!

 A man from Preston whose exterior Christmas lights that have been certified by the council as brighter than Blackpool’s illuminations which has led to some annual ruckus with his immediate neighbours one of whom resorted to vandalising the neighbourhoods electricity supply in order to be able to sleep in her bedroom at night.

 

11.00 My Christmas Tree from Hell

Personal stories of bad luck and tragedy associated with the humble Christmas tree, Julie from Reading spent one Christmas waiting for hours in A&E after tripping up on some dropped baubles from her tree when she was trying to vacuum up all the excess pine needles it dropped onto her floor.  Steve from Coventry was knocked unconscious when his giant tree fell on him causing the heavy fairy at the top to make a serious impact on his forehead, now he is considering plastic surgery to remove a slightly fairy-like looking imprint at the left of his complexion.

12Midnight Superstar Television Casino

Fabulous prizes to be won every night including an all expenses paid trip to Thailand, a Christmas hamper and 100 black biros.

 IN EXCHANGE FOR PHONING OUR PREMIUM LINES AT JUST £2 a MINUTE YOU COULD WIN NOT JUST THIS AMAZING GIFT AT CHRISTMAS! JUST ONE OF A HUNDRED EXCITING & ELEGANT BLACK PENS! CALL 09990183456

Phone number doesn't actually exist but if it does and you try it you will be rewarded with a very high phone bill!

To win a brand new black marker for Christmas answer who invented the ballpoint pen.

 

CHRISTMAS DAY

9.25am Jeremy Kyle’s nativity - Mary & Jesus Christ Special

Jeremy Kyle investigates what really went on at 0 BC just before the birth of Jesus Christ.

Mary – Was she a national disgrace that night? Jeremy Kyle ruminates

In a heated discussion Jeremy Kyle takes a critical look at how Mary handled the night she gave birth to Jesus Christ.

He also asks is Jesus Christ all he's cracked up to be? Kyle asserts that the historical religious icon & folk hero might have actually spent his life sponging off ancient Middle Eastern society.

10.30 This Morning – Benefits at Christmas special. A disgrace investigated.

Following an appearance on their sofa earlier this month Philp Schofield and Holly Willoughby look further at the case of a woman who has bought too many presents for her children at Christmas even though she is on benefits.

Call 0870 098 5654 + the number of the gift of choice to nominate the most inappropriate present to buy whilst on benefits.

PlayStation 4/Xbox One – add 1

Cadburys Dairy Milk Deluxe – add 9

 

9pm The Eye Of Britain – The Thieves Who Steal Our Cold

In tonight's investigative documentary Donal Macintyre looks at the nations most unscrupulous hawkers of stolen snow and ice, which renders many parts of the country unpicturesque after the ruthless thieves have struck, the main street of the small Yorkshire town of Knaresborough looked like a scene from an idyllic Christmas card immediately after snow fell but it wasn’t long before a gang of Eastern European descent was there with a Ford Transit van.

DONAL MACINTYRE speaks to the UnRadio Times

"To infiltrate the gang and earn their trust I had to learn to operate a Romanian snowplough, then we embarked on a tour of the West End’s top restaurants offering cheap knocked off ice, and as part of an initiation ceremony I had snow put down the inside of my trousers"

 

TVC2

 

CHRISTMAS EVE

 

10.00am Tony Blair’s Christmas Fair

With nothing much to do now the former New Labour prime minister spends his time warning the nation against Brexit and making arts and crafts which he showcases in a small town in the North East of England. He shows us his range of anti Brexit wooly jumpers which he and his wife Cherie have personally knitted and his apology leggings, in which he apologises to the nation about his decision to go to war with Iraq in the Middle East back in 2003 in the form of home knitted leggings. He also demonstrates his “Hate Corbyn Socks” in which a different grievance against the Labour party leader who lost the election has been knitted by Tony into 7 socks meant for wearing on each day of the week.

#tonyblairchristmasfair, you can order the Anti Brexit, Anti Corbyn, war apology merchandise now.

 

11.00  Film: My Christmas Feelings.

A family from Miami move to Yakutsk in Siberia, an area where you can’t feel your fingers as soon

as you go outside, in order to live somewhere that looks like a Christmas card. But tragedy strikes when they discover that Amazon won’t deliver to their new location. (2018, U)

Brrrr! Yakutsk! -40 Degrees and counting, Amazon don't even do next MONTH delivery here! 

12.30pm Christmas Crimewatch with Michael Buerk.

As home burglaries spike at this time of year, how safe are those presents around your tree? Michael Buerk puts it to the test and attempts to break in to homes in a suburban estate in Reading using nothing but his eyes and a crowbar.

Michael Buerk goes equipped, would he
be able to break into your house?

1.30 The Festive Factor – Christmas Carol Junior specials

Simon Cowell knows that causing a 7 year old to cry by denying him the chance to become a glittering child star will gain him millions of viewers on TVC1!

Simon Cowell introduces a carol singing competition in which he ruthlessly dispatches girls as young as 7 years of age if they can’t hit the perfect note.  Ant & Dec are backstage to dry off the tears using a hairdryer and have a laugh with all the crying girls, a record contract that aims to rival the career of Charlotte Church is on offer.

DO YOU WANT TO BE A GLOBAL SUPERSTAR RECORDING YOUR OWN COVER OF “SILENT NIGHT”?

CONTACT THE FESTIVE FACTOR NOW, PAYPOST COWELL PRODUCTIONS LONDON. The production team are also looking for those that can’t sing for the comedy element of the programme, if you’re the best person who can’t sing then Simon Cowell wants to hear from you, just the once.

 

2.30 Christmas Shopping from Hell

As the festive shopping window finally closes on Christmas Eve afternoon, John Sweeney examines some of the worst incidents to befall Christmas shoppers this yuletide season including one family who ordered a Microsoft Xbox One from Amazon but were mistakenly delivered a brand new Sony PlayStation 4 instead ruining their Christmas as they declare themselves to be “Microsoft fanboys”, and the tale of two mothers from Hampshire who ended up in a queue of hundreds of people all vying to get the last of the supply of sprouts in an M&S.

3.30 Last Minute Shopping Live

Having smugly completed her own Christmas shop back in November, Vanessa Feltz takes cameras to London's Oxford Street to capture the frustrated last shopping moments of the more desperate consumers who are trying to scour some of the just about remaining items in the big shops that they hope might just about pass for Christmas presents including a small plastic christmas tree complete with flashing lights and marked down soon to be past their use by date mince pies.

 WE WANT YOUR CRAP PRESENTS! SEND YOUR WORST EVER CHRISTMAS GIFTS AND IF WE USE THEM AS EXAMPLES FOR NEXT YEAR'S SHOW YOU WILL RECEIVE A £5 "CHRISTMAS" VOUCHER REDEEMABLE AGAINST CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS SUCH AS BAUBLES AND CHRISTMAS TREES VALID ONLY FROM DECEMBER 24.

4.30 NEW: The Snowman & The Snowwoman (2017)

In a ground-breaking new animation from 2017, the classic adventure is retold as The Snowman now has a new snowpartner and only together do they meet the little boy and take him on a whimsical adventure.

 

Wondering why you have not seen the original “Snowman” in our guide this year and why a snowwoman? The creator of the original “The Snowman” has all the answers! OFCOM told me to censure the original animation as it told the story of a single man partaking in a “relationship” of sorts with a younger boy and for today’s audience that could now be considered appropriate.  So this year I created a new way to tell the classic tale that would fit our more politically correct and enlightened times.  The Snowmum and Snowdad is a new animation planned for 2018.

 

5.30 Paul O Grady’s love of Birkenhead

The down to earth presenter and comedian takes us on a whistle-stop tour of the town he came from by growing up there.

It might be a town tougher than Pablo Escobar's drug empire but it holds many sentimental memories for Paul such as the time he was thrown out of one of Argyll Street’s toughest nightclubs at the age of 18, suffering his first burglary and gazing open mouthed at the view across the Mersey to the Liverpool skyline at the bus stop of Whetstone Lane as someone ran up and nicked his fags.

HD, Subtitles.

6.30 The Best Worst Presents In The World Ever..

Dermot Murgahan unravels a stocking full of the most atrocious examples of gift ideas our civilisation has ever come up with. A woman from Scunthrope gift wrapped her divorce papers to her ex husband with a pretty bow and a mum from Bolton unwittingly bought her two boys a broken games console.  Tina from Norwich bought a tray of mince pies from a local market stall only to later discover mouse droppings inside it that looked almost identical to the currents in the foodstuff.  “It hit the bin faster than Tiger Woods usually gets a hole in one”.

7.30 Who Wants to ..just about be able to afford Christmas?

Financial expert Rich Hall looks at ways we could just about finance our Christmas celebrations even if bogged down with benefit sanctions or debt.  Rich also looks at the best 25 year mortgages for the new year that come with a free pen.

8.00 Cooking up a catastrophe

Cooking up a Christmas treat with these stories where the only thing that got cooked up was a Christmas culinary catastrophe, including Brussels sprouts popping in a microwave, a turkey deliciously cooked on the outside but with its innards still resembling Antarctica.

 

8.30 Bestenders

The worst of the best arguments from the most miserable part of the country, Ian divorces his 7^th wife and Phil sets fire to the pub for the third Christmas in a row, the residents of Albert Square are now so used to seeing the usual annual orange glow from the Queen Vic that they don’t even twitch their curtains.

 

9.00 University Challenged – The Quiz

Jeremy Paxman returns for a sardonic quiz featuring only those who were not able to make it into any university, the questions remain as challenging as the regular edition but if a contestant actually manages to get a single question right they’ll get a cuddle from a supermodel.

9.30 Christmas is Sick!

The best stories of unfortunate sickness at Christmas, Anne of Ellesmere Port was so glued to her toilet due to her severe diarrhoea over Christmas that she even opened up her presents in the bathroom and then sprayed them with disinfectant. Luke from Stockport somehow managed to contract Swine Flu and to prevent a national epidemic from breaking out he was advised to cut himself off from his family and friends.     “Can’t remember much about my horrible sickly festive season but I remember doing the New Year countdown from my pillow, I was so out of it I had just watched the Queens speech live from my sickbed, fell asleep and then when I woke up there were fireworks, but whenever I threw up I thought the display was even more spectacular it was that dramatic”.

10.00 Don’t Do It Yourself, Homewreckers at Christmas.

Don’t do it yourself whatever you do.

Examples of the worst attempts at DIY across the country including a man from Braintree who tried to staple the top of his Christmas tree to the ceiling and a man from Sunderland who thought he had invented an automatic present wrapping machine by combining a black and decker drill with a hammer.

 

11.00 Jim Didn’t Fix It – There Was something about him.

Stars pay reverse homage to a star they now hold in contempt following the revelation of his unsavoury crimes during the time he was alive. Michael Parkinson reedits his former tribute footage from 2011 to tell us that he “suspected all along”, “he liked things where you got to grab people as a presenter and then spin around with them, we really should have put two and two together, I also wondered why he said he needed to go and sign autographs with fans in a nearby Premier Inn and not his dressing room just across the corridor from the Top Of The Pops studio”.

 

1.10am Climate Change Christmas Weather including the December Pollen Report.

How warm shouldn’t it be today and tomorrow?

Worldwide climate change has now become so rampant that high pollen counts are now a regular occurrence in December with record numbers of people now suffering from hay fever on Christmas Day explains The Met Office, which also has had to overhaul the colour schemes on its weather forecasting maps "Temperatures in the upper 30s which used to be shown as bright red are now a normal summers day in England so we now show a blistering 36°C as yellow" explains The Met Office's Derek Rise.

Some images used have been obtained by internet search from various sources for comedy purposes, no copyright infringement intended!