The UnRadio Times
With some of the
best unprogrammes from the top unchannels this unchristmas.
TVC1 & Channel
5!
Channel 5
2.00pm Pete
Doherty’s Counselling Session LIVE
For the first time TV cameras record a live counselling
session with a psychologist as Pete Doherty unveils his deepest traumas
following the passing of his once close friend and confidante Amy Winehouse.
Did you know? A
working title for this programme was “I’m getting counselling and proud – Pete
Doherty My Story” but was later rejected for being too ridiculous even for
Channel 5.
4.00 Gordon Brown
– What Do I Do Now?
Former prime minster Gordon Brown tells us what he gets
up to now, since he lost the 2010 general election he has developed a keen
interest in the Monopoly board game, carp fishing and following the Brexit
negotiations with a fine tooth comb.
CHRISTMAS SEASON FROM HELL NIGHT
6.00 Christmas on
benefits and proud
Looking at the stories of claimants who choose to spend
any of their money on celebrating Christmas rather than meeting their most
essential needs including the story of Tracey from Boston, Lincolnshire who has
been sanctioned for 3 years by the Job Centre yet still manages to eat Christmas
dinner and Rob from Runcorn who bought a keg of beer with his Jobseekers
Allownace tells us that he as he misses Christmas every year by passing out he
doesn’t pay for the celebrations with merely his benefits.
7.00 I Work but
for some reason you don’t! Festive special.
An hour of indignation about those who are not in the
workplace from viewers who are gainfully employed, viewers swap presents with those
of the claimants they deem more appropriate.
8.00 My Christmas
and Proud
A single mum from Northwich in Cheshire who has a living
room that looks more like the nearby Delamere Forest every yuletide season and
a man from Northampton has a particulary odd christmas tradition, he and his family open their christmas presents in the bath!
8.30 Can’t Give A
Present, Won’t Give A Present.
..and Proud
A look at those who can either not afford to give
generously at Christmas or simply refuse to, a lorry driver from Wigan hasn’t
bought anyone a present for over 14 years despite receiving bonus payments for
managing to deliver an Amazon cargo to Scotland in less than 3 hours from
Manchester.
9.00 Never The
Last of the Christmas Mulled Wine
Tales of drunkenness and debauchery at Christmas.
A group of lads from Barnsley had such a good Christmas
Eve bender that they spent Christmas Day in oblivion only coming to late on
Boxing Day.
10.00 - I Wish It Wasn’t Christmas Everyday,
actually!
A man from Preston
whose exterior Christmas lights that have been certified by the council as
brighter than Blackpool’s illuminations which has led to some annual ruckus
with his immediate neighbours one of whom resorted to vandalising the
neighbourhoods electricity supply in order to be able to sleep in her bedroom
at night
11.00 My Christmas
Tree from Hell
Personal stories of bad luck and tragedy associated with
the humble Christmas tree, Julie from Reading spent one Christmas waiting for
hours in A&E after tripping up on some dropped baubles from her tree when
she was trying to vacuum up all the excess pine needles it dropped onto her
floor. Steve from Coventry was knocked
unconscious when his giant tree fell on him causing the heavy fairy at the top
to make a serious impact on his forehead, now he is considering plastic surgery
to remove a slightly fairy-like looking imprint at his left on his complexion.
12Midnight
Superstar Television Casino
Fabulous prizes to be won every night including an all
expense paid trip to Thailand, a Christmas hamper and 100 black biros.
To win a brand new black marker for Christmas answer who
invented the ballpoint pen.
One lucky viewer could win all these!
TVC1
9.25 NEW! Jeremy Kyle’s Nativity
Mary – Was she a
national disgrace that night? Jeremy Kyle runinates
Although the presenter was disgraced earlier this year, he has been allowed a special one off"panto" edition of his controversial confrontational talk show themed for Christmas!
In a heated discussion Jeremy Kyle takes a critical look
at how Mary handled the night she gave birth to Jesus Christ and insults are hurled about in song!
10.30 This Morning
– Benefits at Christmas special. A disgrace investigated
Following an appearance on their sofa earler this month Philp
Schofield and Holly Willoughby look further at the case of a woman who has
bought too many presents for her children at Christmas even though she is on
benefits.
Call 0870 098 5654
+ the number of the gift of choice to nominate the most inappropriate present
to buy whilst on benefits.
Playstation 4/Xbox
One – add 1
Cadburys Dairy Milk
Deluxe – add 9 to help towards the cost of an Armani watch!
The Eye Of Britain
– The Thieves Who Steal Our Cold
In Tonights investigative documentary Donal Macintyre
looks at the nations most unscrupulous hawkers of stolen snow and ice, which
renders many parts of the country unpicturesque after the ruthless thieves have
struck, the main street of the small Yorkshire town of Knaresborough looked
like a scene from an idyllic Christmas card immediately after snow fell but it
wasn’t long before a gang of Eastern European descent was there with a Ford
Transit van.
DONAL MACINTYRE speaks to the UnRadio Times
To infiltrate the
gang and earn their trust I had to learn to operate a Romanian snowplough, then
we embarked on a tour of the West End’s top restraurants offering cheap knocked
off ice, for an initiation ceremony I had snow put down the inside of my
trousers.
TVC2
CHRISTMAS EVE
10.00am Tony Blair’s
Christmas Fair
With nothing much to do now the former New Labour prime
minister spends his time warning the nation against Brexit and making arts and
crafts which he showcases in a small town in the North East of England. He shows
us his range of anti Brexit wooly jumpers which he and his wife Cherie have
personally knitted and his apology leggings, in which he apologises to the
nation about his decision to go to war with Iraq in the Middle East back in
2003 in the form of home knitted leggings. He also demonstrates his “Hate
Corbyn Socks” in which a different grievance against the Labour party leader
who lost the election has been knitted by Tony into 7 socks meant for wearing
on each day of the week.
#tonyblairchristmasfair, you can order the Anti
Brexit, Anto Corbyn, war apology merchandise now.
11.00 Film: My Christmas Feelings
A family from Miami move to Yakutsk in Siberia, an area
where you can’t feel your fingers as soon
as you go outside, in order to live somewhere that looks
like a Christmas card. But tragedy strikes when they discover that Amazon won’t
deliver to their new location. (2018, U)
12.30pm Christmas
Crimewatch with Michael Buerk.
How safe are your presents if you live in the average suburban neighbourhood? Veteran presenter Michael Buerk will turn burglar to keep us all informed!
As home burglaries spike at this time of year, how safe
are thoser presents around your tree? Michael Buerk puts it to the test and
attempts to break in to homes in a suburban estate in Reading using nothing but
his eyes and a crowbar.
Will he make it through the programme without being arrested?
1.30 The Festive
Factor – The Christmas Carol Junior specials
Simon Cowell introduces a carol singing competition in
which he ruthlessly dispatches girls as young as 7 years of age if they can’t
hit the perfect note. Ant & Dec backstage
dry off the tears with an ample tissue supply and have a laugh with all the
crying girls, a record contract that aims to rival the career of Charlotte
Church is on offer.
DO YOU WANT TO BE A GLOBAL SUPERSTAR RECORDING YOUR OWN
COVER OF “SILENT NIGHT”?
CONTACT THE FESTIVE FACTOR NOW, PAYPOST COWELL
PRODUCTIONS LONDON. The production team are also looking for those that can’t
sing for the comedy element of the programme, if you’re the best person who can’t
sing then Simon Cowell wants to hear from you, just the once.
2.30 Christmas
Shopping from Hell
As the festive shopping window finally closes on
Christmas Eve afternoon, John Sweeney examines some of the worst incidents to
befall Christmas shoppers this yuletide season including one family who ordered
a Microsoft Xbox One from Amazon but were mistakenly delivered a brand new Sony
Playstation 4 instead ruining their Christmas as they declare themselves to be “Microsoft
fanboys”, and the tale of two mothers from Hampshire who ended up in a queue of
hundreds of people all vying to get the last of the supply of sprouts in an
M&S.
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| Add caption |
3.30 Last Minute
Shopping Live
Having smugly completed her own Christmas shop back in
November, Vanessa Feltz takes cameras to Londons Oxford Street to capture the
frustrated last shopping moments of the more desperate consumers who are trying
to scour some of the just about remaining items in the big shops that they hope
might just about pass for Christmas presents.
4.30 NEW: The
Snowman & The Snowwoman (2017)
In a groundbreaking new animation from 2017, the classic
adventure is retold as The Snowman now has a new snowpartner and only together
do they meet the little boy and take him on a whimsical adventure.
Wondering why you
have not seen the original “Snowman” in our guide this year and why a
snowwoman? The creator of the original “The Snowman” has all the answers! OFCOM
told me to censure the original animation as it told the story of a single man
partaking in a “relationship” of sorts with a younger boy and for today’s
audience that could now be considered appropriate. So this year I created a new way to tell the
classic tale that would fit our more politically correct and enlightened
times. The Snowmum and Snowdad is a new
animation planned for 2018.
5.30 Paul O Grady’s
love of Birkenhead
The down to earth presenter and comedian takes us on a
whistlestop tour of the town he came from
Which hold many sentimental memories from him such as
being thrown out of one of Argyll Street’s toughest nightclubs at the age of 18,
suffering his first burglary and gazing open mouted at the view across the
Mersey at the stop of Whetstone Lane as someone ran up and nicked his fags.
HD, Subtitles.
6.30 The Best
Worst Presents In The World Ever..
Dermot Murgahan unravels a stocking full of the most
atrocious examples of gift ideas our civilisation has ever come up with. A
woman from Scunthrope gift wrapped her divorce papers to her ex husband with a
pretty bow and a mum from Bolton unwittingly bought her two boys a broken games
console. Tina from Norwich bought a tray
of mince pies from a local market stall only to later discover mouse droppings
inside it that looked almost identical to the currents in the foodstuff. “It hit the bin faster than Tiger Woods
usually gets a hold in one”.
7.30 Who Wants to
..just about be able to afford Christmas?
Financial expert Rich Hall looks at ways we could just
about finance our Christmas celebrations even if bogged down with benefit sanctions
or debt. Rich also looks at the best 25
year mortgages for the new year that come with a free pen.
8.00 Cooking up a
catastrophe
Cooking up a Christmas treat with these stories where the
only thing that got cooked up was a Christmas culinary catastrophe, including
Brussels sprouts popping in a microwave, a turkey deliciously cooked on the
outside but with its innards still resembling Antarctica.
8.30 Bestenders
The worst of the best arguments from the most miserable
part of the country, Ian divorces his 7th wife and Phil sets fire to
the pub for the third Christmas in a row, the residents of Albert Square are
now so used to seeing the usual annual orange glow from the Queen Vic that they
don’t even twitch their curtains.
9.00 University
Challenged – The Quiz
Jeremy Paxman returns for a sardonic quiz featuring only
those who were not able to make it into any university, the questions remain as
challenging as the regular edition but if a contestant actually manages to get
a single question right they’ll get a cuddle from a supermodel.
9.30 Christmas is
Sick!
The best stories of unfortunate sickness at Christmas,
Anne of Ellesmere Port was so glued to her toilet due to her severe diaorrhea
over Christmas that she even opened up her presents in the bathroom and then
sprayed them with disinfectant. Luke from Stockport somehow managed to contract
Swine Flu and to prevent a national epidemic from breaking out he was advised
to cut himself off from his family and friends. “Can’t
remember much about my horrible sickly festive season but I remember doing the
New Year countdown from my pillow, I was so out of it I had just watched the
Queens speech live from my sickbed, fell asleep and then when I woke up there
were fireworks, but whenever I threw up I thought the display was even more
spectacular it was that dramatic”.
10.00 Don’t Do It
Yourself, Homewreckers at Christmas.
Don’t do it
yourself whatever you do.
Examples of the worst attempts at DIY across the country
including a man from Braintree who tried to staple the top of his Christmas
tree to the ceiling and a man from Sunderland who thought he had invented an
automatic present wrapping machine by combining a black and decker drill with a
hammer.
11.00 Jim Didn’t
Fix It! – There Was something about him.
Stars pay reverse homage to a star they now hold in
contempt following the revelation of his unsavioury crmes during the time he
was alive. Michael Parkinson reedits his former tribute footage from 2011 to
tell us that he “suspected all along”,
“he liked things where you got to grab
people as a presenter and then spin round with them, we really should have put
two and two together, I also wondered why he said he needed to go and sign
autographs with fans in a nearby Premier Inn and not his dressing room just
across the corridor from the Top Of The Pops studio”.
1.10am Climate
Change Christmas Weather including the December Pollen Report.
How warm shouldn’t it be today and tomorrow?
